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Is He Really Going to Change this Time?
Positive Signs That He Is Changing
- He has stopped being violent or threatening to you or others.
- He acknowledges that his abusive behavior is wrong and is his responsibility.
- He understands that he does not have the right to control and dominate you.
- You don’t feel afraid when you are with him.
- He does not try to coerce you into having sex when you don’t want to.
- You can express anger toward him without feeling intimidated.
- He does not make you feel responsible for his anger or frustration.
- He respects your opinion even if he doesn't agree with it.
- He respects your right to say “no”.
- You can negotiate without being humiliated and belittled by him.
- You don’t have to ask his permission to go out, go to school, or take other independent actions.
- He listens to you and respects what you have to say.
- He communicates honestly and does not try to manipulate you.
- He recognizes that he is not “cured” and that changing his behavior, attitudes, and beliefs is a
life-long process.
- He no longer does _______________________ (fill in the blank with any behavior that preceded
his violence, manipulation, or emotional abuse).
Warning Signs and Manipulation
Old habits die hard. Your partner’s abusive behavior is rooted in a desire to control the relationship, and
that pattern isn’t going to change overnight. He may no longer be violent, but he may still try to exert control
by manipulating you into doing what he wants.
Here are some manipulative behaviors
- Tries to invoke sympathy from you or family and friends.
- Is overly charming; reminds you of all the good times you’ve had together.
- Tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers, etc.
- Tries to seduce you when you’re vulnerable.
- Uses veiled threats — to take the kids away, cut off financial support, etc.
- His promises to change don’t match his behavior. You may be so hopeful for change, yet don’t feel any different
when you are with him. Trust your instincts. If you don’t feel safe, then chances are, you’re not.
You may not be safe if
- He tries to find you if you've left. You may leave at a time of crisis to feel more safe. He may try to
get information from your family and friends regarding your whereabouts, either by threatening them or trying to gain
their sympathy.
- He tries to take away the children. He may try to kidnap the children as a way of forcing you to stay with
him.
- He stalks you. If you always seem to run into him when you are on your way to work, running errands or out with
friends, or if you receive lots of mysterious phone calls, he could be stalking you.
Reprinted and adapted from materials developed by the Texas Council on Family Violence for the Battering Intervention and
Prevention Project of the Community Justice Assistance Division of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. |
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Domestic Violence Intervention Program
Serving Cedar, Iowa, Johnson and Washington Counties
Home
The IowaVINE system is
a service through which victims of crime can use the telephone
or
internet to search for information
regarding the custody status of their offender and to register to receive
telephone and email notification when the offender’s custody status
changes. The toll-free number for
IowaVINE is 888-7-IAVINE or
888-742-8463. This service is provided to assist victims of crime who have
a right to know about their offender’s custody status.
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Warning: Learn how your partner can discover your internet activity!
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